I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
