Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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