made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
