I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Randomize
