yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
