Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
