So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
