im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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