fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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