Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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