I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
