Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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