I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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