I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
