TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm like, not good at living.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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