I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
