We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
