I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
