Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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