His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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