I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize