I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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