She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
