did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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