my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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