i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if only i could text you this smell
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm way too hungover for life right now
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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