Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
