Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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