i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
