Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
