I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
