I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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