So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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