your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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