i think my mom watched the whole time
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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