I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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