Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
