I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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