I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
