i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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