So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
