i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
