my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize