I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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