So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
