he puts the penis in happiness.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
