I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize