I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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