can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
