found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
