I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
