So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
