And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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