Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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