There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
