So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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