Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize